-Hate-

Keep telling myself ignore it, ignore you, ignore everything.  

All I need to do is calm down, 

I don't want to kill my cell just because of mad at you.

But I already did it.

Hey, I am not like before.

Easily depressed? Yeah, the one before now.

It's just turn around become annoyed.
I hate being ignore by other, once u ignore what I am asking, what I am saying,
Don't ever blame me that I ignore you. It's the only way I balance.. Ignore the way you ignore me.
And I won't easily ask again. Hurt is there, I don't want to touch it again before it recover.

Only two days left. Feel happy?

Alone is different with loneliness. 

In order to get used to it, I need a long long time.

-Jogging-Waltz-Bii mini concert-

Dear diary,

Today, 18 of June 2011, full of activity. Actually just 3 things i actually did.

---First---

Time: Early in the morning, about 7 o'clock.

Venue: Garden.

Person involved: Chia Hui, Kah Khoon

Activity: Jogging

Reason: Accept invitation of Chia Hui.

Description: 

   Yes, I did jog with Chia Hui. Only about 3/4 of 500m only. After that, we just walked and enjoyed the view there. I feel so happy because it's early in the morning and the sun didn't really come out although it's already about 8 o'clock. While we walked, we met Kah Khoon who just woke up and come garden to look at the greeny things.(XD) In all, we didn't manage to actually jogging, but walked with Kah Khoon, talked about everything. Of course, include the waltz class we gonna to attend after that.

---Second---

Time: About 9.30 in the morning.

Venue: Block H in University

Person involved: Cynthia, Chia Hui, Desmond, Kah Khoon and Wilson.

Activity: Waltz class

Reason: Learning waltz because take part in 'Waltz With Love' which this event has a purpose of breaking record book of Malaysia by gather 700 pair of partner to dance waltz.

*Specially note: The song we used to dance waltz is "Time of My Life" by David Cook.

Description:

    First time I dance, first time I dance with partner, first time I dance while wearing high heels, first time learn waltz.. Don't know still have how many first time here. When I first walked into the room, I was shocked because of the number of pair inside. There were so many partner inside to learn waltz. I thought I will feel very scared, and shy, of course, but I didn't when I found that everyone there also have their to intention to dance waltz. I manage to be brave to actually dance with my partner, Desmond. It's kinda unbelievable. Because I never thought I can dance with him seriously. Maybe because he is also want to learn. 

    Actually, our learning session is actually start from 9.30 in the morning until 11 o'clock. But we learned until 11.30 but still didn't realize. The most important thing, we didn't learn finish yet. whole the song, only know the front part. That's why we attend the next class, which is from 12.30 until 2 o'clock in the afternoon, to learn the whole step of the dance, waltz. 

    Well, it's quiet hard. It's not easy for me to remember all the step in only few hour and get used to all the step, finish the song without any mistake. Oh yeah, the most difficult part for me, not only the memory, but also the tempo of the song. I used almost 1 hour or even long time to get the tempo. Seriously, I not really get it. Just go with the lyric.

     However, we manage to learn whole the song. But we only practice until half since the another half is just repeat the steps. Hope I manage to remember all the steps and finish it.

Oh yeah, my leg is hurt because I wear high heel to dance waltz for almost 3 hours. Just I realize how hard for us, girls, to wear high heels to dance. Especially 4 inch high heels. ><"

---Third and last---

Time: 6.30 in the evening.

Venue: Herritge hall in University.

Person involved: Cynthia, Chia Hui, Kah Khoon, Desmond and Boon Foo

Activity: Attending Bii's mini concert!

Reason: I never have a chance to so close with a celebrity before and of course the VIP ticket is free and most important, Bii's songs are damn nice.

Description: 

    About 5.30 in the afternoon, Chia Hui came to fetch us to dinner before we go for the mini concert. We are not actually so excited at first. Because he not look so handsome in poster, and of course I don't have this habit to so crazy with a celebrity. 

    However, I am so excited and high in the concert. Because Bii is so handsome~ Totally different with the poster! Although I have already understood that he is a Korea born Taiwanese, but I feel so amazing when he walked out that time, he is super handsome just like what every Korean are. Oh my god, I feel so 'high' when everyone around is so excited too. He even said 'sa lang hei yo' to us. 

    I love the part he sang, his sound and songs are so nice. I never thought when I actually saw an artist actually sing right in front of me, and my seat is only the first 3 row, I will be so excited. Thanks to Kah Khoon who successfully get the poster when the mc throw it toward us and gave it to me. I thought I can get his signature and perhaps took a photo with him but at the end I didn't get his signature. Because he is busy and have to rush to Ipoh where is he next stop. So, he only sign on the album. But I didn't bought it, it's cost RM39, seriously I never bought that expensive disc before, and my parent didn't allow. So sad I didn't get it..

     Even though, I touched his hand while he pass by my seat. Nothing different. Haha~ But he is handsome. For a moment, I hope I can dance waltz with Bii, just for a song or even one minute is enough for me. This is my little dream. Haha~ I guess you guys will think that: this girl is dreaming.

    Well, in all, I am so excited. I have my chance to took photo with an album he signed. Happy~

In all, today I am busy and I just arrived home at about 10 o'clock. A happy day I have.

Learn waltz, hehe, my first experience, and I love it.

Have a close distance to see an artist, also my first experience, feel so nice.

Thanks my friends~ for bring happiness for me. ~^^~

Jesslyn,
18/06/2011

-Not mature enough?-

Dear diary,

He said, I am not mature enough.

Yes, I admit I am not mature, but am I childish? My heart told me I am not, perhaps sometime.

Sometime, I will just like a child, once feel not safe, once the safety feel disappear, my heart will feel extremely uneasy.

Sometime, I wish there are someone will talk to me, not about others.

Sometime, I wish I am just like a child, talking nonsense, being treated as a child.

I wish or I will, the difference are only one of them I did it, often perhaps, one of them I am just wish.

Yeah, I am not mature. And, I wish I am not.

This is the only way I can crazy whenever I want,

This is only the way I can laugh loudly as I want,

This is only the way I can just do whatever I want when I wish to do..

Because I know, once I am a adult, 

All of this will become a dream, just a dream,

I don't want them become my dream but a reality,

Let them be a history of mine that actually happened and will forever save in my mind.

So, please forgive me for causing trouble just like what a child will do.

I just wish to be a child for right now. 

A child's life is free of burden. and they always get attention of other. 

Jesslyn,

15/06/2011

-Big Change of Mood-

Dear diary,

I have a good time today.

Today, I can totally forget all the negative stuff and smile charmingly. (Is 'charmingly' a correct description? Ha~ I have no idea.)

Yeah, being different today, even my new friend sense it.

And I wan to praise myself: Jesslyn, you have done a great job!

Why I said it's a job? Because yesterday told myself to make some changes, yet, I manage to throw the negative stuff. ^^

Well, how about right now? No, I am feeling not good at all.

Seriously, I found myself.. erm.. powerless? (translate directly~ hehe!)

Yeah, choices put in front of me, I don't know how to make.

There is prom in my university. Theme: Waltz With Love.

I am thinking.. should I go?

Seriously, I wish to go, not for what purpose, I just want to learn the dance, WALTZ.

But the point is, partner? dress?

Yes, I do care. It's just make me more vexed when something happened.

I called mom, ask for opinion,

she said: As long as you understand what you are doing, love yourself, then go for a try.

I have no idea why these few days, talking to her, I feel want to cry.

Homesick? Guess not. It's just too much bothering me this year.. Yeah, It's just too much..

Guys, I fell scared going too. Just look am i, who i am? nothing..

Damn it! Such a different mood today!

Jesslyn,

06/06/2011

Dear diary,


Bleeding heart. I have it today.
I am hurt by someone. Perhaps with 's'.
I promise myself not to let it flow out of my eyes,
so I won't.
Yeah, I manage to do so.



Jesslyn,
03/06/2011

-Something wrong-Nightmare-

These few days, something wrong with me.

I had dream last three day.

First day, I dream about everyone, everyone means including all the important person of mine, friends, and family (mom, actually).. I got a feeling, while having conservation with them in dream, the way they talked to me, sounds like they don't like me (or should i said hate?). Turn around, I found that everyone just walked away, disappear from my life. No matter what i did, even i cried, even I screamed, no one ever return or even looked back. Turned to mom, she just said something, in the way like I annoyed her. I feel like losing, losing everything i have.

I feel scared, extremely scared, until i was awake because of the dream. After I realized I was having a nightmare, i was planning to return to sleep, but i couldn't. I still feel scared. And my heartbeat was so fast. I never felt like this because of dream before. I hug myself just like what a baby style in fetus, thought it will make me feel better. But it's useless. I took a long time to calm down.

Second day, there is only a person in my dream (as long as what i can recall from dream), a best friend. You might know it, I do hope you know. This time, no one left. Just the feeling continued from yesterday's nightmare. You talked to me in a way such that I am just nothing to you, not best friend, just a normal  friend, or maybe I should said I felt like I am just a guest of your life,  a stranger. This is what I felt. Yet, feel losing again.

This time I was not awake by the nightmare. I was scared, it's true, but I remember what friends said about my dream the day before in FB. They told me, it's just a dream, besides dream always act oppositely with reality, I hope, I do hope that time when i waked up. Lie to myself that it's nothing? Yes, I do. Because, i am cleat that I was scared, damn scared of losing anyone.

Third day, I dream about my family. Not much I remember, but I know, I was having a normal day with my family member. The last scene was I listened music with sis. I think it's not a nightmare since i cant remember it. 

Three day, three dream, about the people around me and me. From extremely scared to no scared at all. Such a big change. Yet, until now, I was still afraid of losing. I think I will freak out if I am going to lose what I have.

Guess what. I feel useless. Sometime, I feel like being ignored by people around. I clear the reason i feel so. I was just a little star who standing beside a shiny sun. So people will just put their sight on the bright and shiny Sun, because the star was too small, its shine was to weak to be seen by human, isn't? 

Emo again? I guess not.. Am I?