Ask

I asked myself: What are you thinking about? How are your feeling.

Even a word, I not dare to talk or say it out.

God! What if one day I become dependent?

Part of me actually say yes...

Stressful night. And I think I have hurt my friend. Sorry. I just.. haiz.. don't actually know what i am doing just now. sorry. =(

Thanks, for accompany me while i am stressful.

-Afraid >< - I got your message-

I am scared. Damn scared.

I manage to feel it, something in there, inside,

I keep telling myself it's my illusion..

When someone told me that he also feel the same thing with me,

I am totally being frighten.

What? I can't accept this. I mean, for right now.

I never imagine before.

God! I am afraid, right now.. All I can do is listening to song loudly,

Hopefully talking to someone.

Friend, I know. Both of us change.

I am okay, everything here is okay enough.

Well, just time needed. I am glad to hear that, but..

Anyway, thanks.

-Insecure-

I am scared. Seriously, what Kai Yew said is right. I am insecure when someone come to my life, or intended to enter the locked heart. Probably I am still okay if the person is quite close to me, or is a girl. 

Insecure.. you are right. I am..
Locked heart.. yes.. Locked deep inside for a long time.. 
I think I will escape from real life.. soon. 
if I didn't manage to find a reason for me to suit in.
You are just not the real one in life.

-Hate-

Keep telling myself ignore it, ignore you, ignore everything.  

All I need to do is calm down, 

I don't want to kill my cell just because of mad at you.

But I already did it.

Hey, I am not like before.

Easily depressed? Yeah, the one before now.

It's just turn around become annoyed.
I hate being ignore by other, once u ignore what I am asking, what I am saying,
Don't ever blame me that I ignore you. It's the only way I balance.. Ignore the way you ignore me.
And I won't easily ask again. Hurt is there, I don't want to touch it again before it recover.

Only two days left. Feel happy?

Alone is different with loneliness. 

In order to get used to it, I need a long long time.

-Not mature enough?-

Dear diary,

He said, I am not mature enough.

Yes, I admit I am not mature, but am I childish? My heart told me I am not, perhaps sometime.

Sometime, I will just like a child, once feel not safe, once the safety feel disappear, my heart will feel extremely uneasy.

Sometime, I wish there are someone will talk to me, not about others.

Sometime, I wish I am just like a child, talking nonsense, being treated as a child.

I wish or I will, the difference are only one of them I did it, often perhaps, one of them I am just wish.

Yeah, I am not mature. And, I wish I am not.

This is the only way I can crazy whenever I want,

This is only the way I can laugh loudly as I want,

This is only the way I can just do whatever I want when I wish to do..

Because I know, once I am a adult, 

All of this will become a dream, just a dream,

I don't want them become my dream but a reality,

Let them be a history of mine that actually happened and will forever save in my mind.

So, please forgive me for causing trouble just like what a child will do.

I just wish to be a child for right now. 

A child's life is free of burden. and they always get attention of other. 

Jesslyn,

15/06/2011

-Big Change of Mood-

Dear diary,

I have a good time today.

Today, I can totally forget all the negative stuff and smile charmingly. (Is 'charmingly' a correct description? Ha~ I have no idea.)

Yeah, being different today, even my new friend sense it.

And I wan to praise myself: Jesslyn, you have done a great job!

Why I said it's a job? Because yesterday told myself to make some changes, yet, I manage to throw the negative stuff. ^^

Well, how about right now? No, I am feeling not good at all.

Seriously, I found myself.. erm.. powerless? (translate directly~ hehe!)

Yeah, choices put in front of me, I don't know how to make.

There is prom in my university. Theme: Waltz With Love.

I am thinking.. should I go?

Seriously, I wish to go, not for what purpose, I just want to learn the dance, WALTZ.

But the point is, partner? dress?

Yes, I do care. It's just make me more vexed when something happened.

I called mom, ask for opinion,

she said: As long as you understand what you are doing, love yourself, then go for a try.

I have no idea why these few days, talking to her, I feel want to cry.

Homesick? Guess not. It's just too much bothering me this year.. Yeah, It's just too much..

Guys, I fell scared going too. Just look am i, who i am? nothing..

Damn it! Such a different mood today!

Jesslyn,

06/06/2011

Dear diary,


Bleeding heart. I have it today.
I am hurt by someone. Perhaps with 's'.
I promise myself not to let it flow out of my eyes,
so I won't.
Yeah, I manage to do so.



Jesslyn,
03/06/2011

-Something wrong-Nightmare-

These few days, something wrong with me.

I had dream last three day.

First day, I dream about everyone, everyone means including all the important person of mine, friends, and family (mom, actually).. I got a feeling, while having conservation with them in dream, the way they talked to me, sounds like they don't like me (or should i said hate?). Turn around, I found that everyone just walked away, disappear from my life. No matter what i did, even i cried, even I screamed, no one ever return or even looked back. Turned to mom, she just said something, in the way like I annoyed her. I feel like losing, losing everything i have.

I feel scared, extremely scared, until i was awake because of the dream. After I realized I was having a nightmare, i was planning to return to sleep, but i couldn't. I still feel scared. And my heartbeat was so fast. I never felt like this because of dream before. I hug myself just like what a baby style in fetus, thought it will make me feel better. But it's useless. I took a long time to calm down.

Second day, there is only a person in my dream (as long as what i can recall from dream), a best friend. You might know it, I do hope you know. This time, no one left. Just the feeling continued from yesterday's nightmare. You talked to me in a way such that I am just nothing to you, not best friend, just a normal  friend, or maybe I should said I felt like I am just a guest of your life,  a stranger. This is what I felt. Yet, feel losing again.

This time I was not awake by the nightmare. I was scared, it's true, but I remember what friends said about my dream the day before in FB. They told me, it's just a dream, besides dream always act oppositely with reality, I hope, I do hope that time when i waked up. Lie to myself that it's nothing? Yes, I do. Because, i am cleat that I was scared, damn scared of losing anyone.

Third day, I dream about my family. Not much I remember, but I know, I was having a normal day with my family member. The last scene was I listened music with sis. I think it's not a nightmare since i cant remember it. 

Three day, three dream, about the people around me and me. From extremely scared to no scared at all. Such a big change. Yet, until now, I was still afraid of losing. I think I will freak out if I am going to lose what I have.

Guess what. I feel useless. Sometime, I feel like being ignored by people around. I clear the reason i feel so. I was just a little star who standing beside a shiny sun. So people will just put their sight on the bright and shiny Sun, because the star was too small, its shine was to weak to be seen by human, isn't? 

Emo again? I guess not.. Am I?

RECENTLY

我很害怕，害怕面对你们。

是我多虑还是什么，我会认为在你们眼里，

我不是一个聪明的人。><

有些事情，有些决定，

我顾虑到的不止我自己，而是整个家。

有时候真的不得不想，

除了我，家里还有弟妹，

父母还要供他们的书的。

我……有时候，我真的希望

自己不会那么为他人着想，

自己不是细心的人，

自己不是那么回顾虑到那么多东西的人。

有时候，希望老天爷帮忙，

当时，我自己知道，结果如何，我的心也社会不安。

Losing? No way!

I am be in a situation now. Argh~~

What a friend mean?

A friend will care for what you need.

A friend will tell you what to do.

A friend will stop you when you do something wrong.

A friend will...

What else? I am kinda wordless...

But be a friend of you, i am scare to loss you,

Just because you are my best friend, yeah, you are, 

this is what i didn't say it out or even write it down here.

Be a friend, i should say it out,

but i feel scare and this is what i shouldn't feel..

Someone told me before, 

When you start feeling scared, you are starting losing the things you have.

And i am having this kind of feeling. 

Just because I am virgo. Just too scare to losing.

Headache and ..

I have no idea why i have this feeling when i answered mom's call.

The tears almost out of my eyes.

First time, listen to mom, i almost cry out.

At the moment she asked me whether i want to follow them to Cameron Highland.

Miss home? I am pretty sure this is not the feeling i miss my family.

I really don't get it. What' wrong with me?

Moreover, i am having headache start from afternoon.

Painful keep disturbing me while i am having my revision.

It become more serious when i smell the smell from food, even just look at the food menu.

Hey, someone here? Can you tell me what's wrong with me?

Stressful? Or i am having serious home sick? Or.. what?

Something goes wrong, i just don't know what is it.

3/4

突然多么希望今天的我没有去到面子书。


还是不能释怀……突然很讨厌面子书，很讨厌……

淡定？

刚刚无意间看回之前在我的部落的每一个留言，

所实在的，有种无奈的感觉，

和以前在window live space那儿看回以前的日记的那种感觉很不同。

还记得，之前是想大笑，笑自己的愚蠢，

现在看着这两年的留言，只是短短的5个左右，

我不禁有些佩服我自己，

我……居然能在心情不稳定的情况下写下那么理智、那么淡定的话。

不知道为什么，看回那一句，居然还能回忆起当时的感觉。

是我的印象太好了吗？还是那一句话，根本就不是很淡定？

什么时候开始，连自己也觉得自己真的很厉害伪装了……

我知道你们担心我。请给我一些时间，好吗？

谢谢你们给我的关心，我感受到了。

对不起，让你们担心了，尤其是父母……

我也看到你们的担心了……

我想我只需要多一些的时间……

23号的我

你不会知道我现在的心情………



















对不起……

15103 2228

SPM 成绩要出了，23号 

我不懂知道这个消息该是高兴 还是伤心？

说到紧张，老实说我是没有。

不是因为我很有信心

不是因为我在说谎

只是到目前为止我真的还不在乎成绩

成绩一出，这意味着很多事情

很多我无法解释的事

这几天都很累 累 

突然自己在比较 比较中学之前的我，中学之后的我

突然晓得这两者之间有着多大的差别

是中学这段时期改变了我？

还是少年时期改变了我？

或许是女大十八变？

有好多事情，会是前者的我轻而易举做到的事，后者的我需要鼓起多大的勇气去做 甚至到最后一刻 我毅然放弃。 突然看着对方，我退后了。

Happy Blue night as well as my sky colour.

怎么开始忘了 我还能微笑            -林隆璇

时间滴滴答答的在不断地提醒我，它在走着。

仿佛就在警告我，不要在逃避了。

不安的感觉持续漫延

我却无法让它停下

正如时间不断地旋转，

我阻止不了。

现在发生的一切一切，

显得那么的不对劲。

画圈圈O-O

我，今天，又在画圈圈了。

画圈圈的意义，说实在的，没人懂吧？

应该只有我知道，不，不是应该，是事实……

画圈圈这事似乎很久没做了…… 

去年我不记得我有做，前年呢？也没有吧！

印象最深刻的一次是中二的时候，

那一年可是我少年生涯里的最低潮的时候了，

画圈圈可是家常便饭，

那一年，我浪费了很多张纸在画圈圈。

或许圈圈给人的印象是寂寞？孤独？

然而，这不是我画圈圈的意义。

意义，有时候太过简单，会让我害怕。

某些时候，自己会突然间惊觉，自己在画圈圈，

到那个时候才会发现原来我的脑袋是那么的运作着。

圈圈，圈圈，画了再多，终究还是解决不了……

心在想些什么，有时候还需要去寻找，

一层层的阻碍，我显得开始疲倦了。

烦！

我要大大声喊出来！可是我没做过这样的事，我也不知道该怎么喊……
疯完了一天，我无力了。
遇到事情不如意，我生气，生气我自己。

好玩的一天+emo的晚上……
该睡了。或许睡醒就么事了吧……
但愿……


到底从何时开始，我已经不了解自己……